A Short Word About Superhero Comics; or, I take a pop at Spider-Man

I came to a conclusion today, whilst tidying and trying to make sense of a few things. Something I do not enjoy: Superhero comics.  I'm not even particularly enamored of the movies.  I shall elaborate.  

I think that, for the most part, they're boring.  I want my fiction to be as escapist as possible, and most superhero comics are not escapism.  I'll take a pop at Spider-Man, Marvel's flagship character.  Spider-Man, or his alter-ego, Peter Parker, is a young man.  He's poor, struggles to pay his bills and look after his family.  As a freelancer, his job is constantly uncertain, and he never knows if his next paycheck is going to be his last.  
This is not escapism.  This is my life.  And I don't want to be reminded of that in comic book or movie form.  I don't want to pay money, hard-earned money, to be reminded that I don't have much money.
Now, add to that the fact that Parker is a whiny bitch. He spends a good chunk of his comics complaining about how his life sucks and it isn't fair that bad things keep happening to him.  Whilst swinging around a huge city like most folks (even in his universe) would love to be able to do.   
What makes this more galling is that he had joined the Avengers recently, (I don't know if the memberships still stands) so his money worries have pretty much gone, but still he finds reasons to complain.  
Peter Parker is the living embodiment of White Guy Problems.  He's an excuse for immature white guys to vicariously complain about how hard they have it.  And it sucks.  And more to the point, it's boring.
Spider-Man is the extreme of this, and lord knows I don't want to go back to the EXTREME style of the nineties.  But he's the template.  Make the protagonist relatable by giving them problems the reader can relate to.  Which is fine, but Parker just complains about stuff that he shouldn't really be complaining about.  He's an immature idiot who never learns from his mistakes and whines about it.
Which is why I don't care about it being Parker in the new Marvel films.  Hell, I want it to be the new kid from the Ultimate books.
Parker should have been retired during the Clone Saga after May died the first time.  Then Reilly should have had a few years in a soft reboot, and see if he's any better.  Anyway...

I used to like X-Men.  Back in the late eighties- early nineties, when Chris Claremont was coming off and Jim Lee and Joe Madureira were starting on the books, they were enjoyable.  Going into space, the Legacy Virus, the madness that was Psylocke (which I'm not even going to start to try and explain here), X-Babies, the Phalanx and Generation X, yellow and blue teams,...  even Onslaught.  It was big, bold, fun stuff.  But then, after Onslaught, something changed.  It wasn't as fun anymore.  And around the time of the movies it all started getting... "gritty". Serious. Nope, you lost me.
Now, serious is something that comics, and X-Men comics in particular (given the real world parallels with LGBT issues), should be able to do, and again, Lord knows "God Loves, Man Kills" is an excellent book, but in changing the dynamic of the team, and in some cases the characters themselves (Cyclops, I'm looking at you) any interest I once had is gone.

It's not all bad.  I enjoy Guardians Of The Galaxy, because it's bonkers and none of the protagonists have to worry about paying the bills.  (as an aside, I understand that the Peter Parkers marriage was written out of continuity in "One More Day" because the editor, Joe Quesada, thought that having Parker be married made him less relatable.  And yet, we seem to have no trouble relating to a gun-toting space raccoon...) When Batman is written well, the stories are top-drawer.  Transformers is going through a patch of such high quality we couldn't have imagined five years ago.  Hell, I even like the Sonic The Hedgehog comics.  I guess I just want my escapism to have more escapism and less real-world stuff in it.  Hell, the madder the better.  Throw me Gods and monsters, epic space threats, teams of outlandish characters coming together to thwart a universe eating threat.  But make it fun.

Thoughts on Sinfest

Okay. Sinfest is a webcomic begun in January 2000 by Tatsuya Ishida.  It's in a daily newspaper comic format, and deals with a lot of 'contemporary issues'.  When it began, this meant taking subtle pokes at sexuality, sexism, religion, consumerism, hipsters, jocks, drugs, racial stereotypes, heck, even the very concept of 'good' and 'evil'.  Nowadays, with a shift towards longer, sustained arcs, Ishida has focussed on making a statement about feminism. He's (as far as anyone can tell) pretty pro-feminism, and I don't want anyone thinking this is a bad thing.

Right.

Here's my problem.  I fall into the camp that thinks that Sinfest is not as good as it used to be.  Oh, believe me, that's not to say that I don't like it now, it's still one of the first three pages I open in a morning.  But...  for me, a lot of what made Sinfest special has gone.  I doubt it'll be returning either, but unlike other internet commentators, I can accept the comic for what it is right now, a rather slow at times, kinda heavy-handed feminist comic.

So what did I like?

Originally I liked it as a subversion of all those twee cartoons I'd grown up with in newspapers, Peanuts, Garfield, Calvin & Hobbes and so on.  Much like another of my favorites, Nemi, it went places that I'd not seen this format go before, and was funny with it.  More surreal than Nemi, and so not afraid to take risks with it's subject matter (God can be a dick, Satan gets frustrated with his place in life, and they both have gushing fanboys that they're kinda irritated by), but this was a comic with heart. And at this heart we found Slick and 'Nique, the duo around whom all this happens.

Not gonna lie, I was a pretty latecomer to the comic.  I started reading just before the Sisterhood thing started, so I'm looking back at these earlier comics not as someone who was there and is angry that ten years of slow development has been tossed by the wayside.  But in devouring ten years worth of daily comics overnight, I discovered something.  This was what I'd been looking for.

I'm a pretty complicated dude.  Some of which I've only worked out recently.  I'm a highly sexualised person.  Most of what I do revolves around it.  I have a complicated guilt/shame thing about sex though, and am only recently starting to come round to the idea that, hey, sex, in whatever form I choose to take it, is okay.  I'm an introvert, sure, but I'm also a peacock.  I want people to notice me for how I'm looking (and, yes, the scruffy rockstar look is the one I choose.) and yep, I want people to want me.  But I am afraid of making the personal connection, I hold people at a distance.  I'm an artist, who suffers crippling self-doubt and frequent creative blockages. I'm searching for my own identity in life.

I looked at Sinfest, and found a role model.

As the comic went on, 'Nique became a person, a fully rounded person with fears and hopes.  She's smart and sassy, not afraid of who she is, and owns that shit.  She was a person who owned and embraced her sexuality, and I found that admirable.  No, let me rephrase that.  She was a person who owned her sexuality, and yet that was not her defining characteristic.  She still had doubts about herself, body issues, creative blocks.  She was at times lonely, and frustrated.  She's politically aware (her first strip sets this up, it's her second that brings her overt sexuality into the strip.), but just wants to have a life full of good times.  She's act stupid with her friends, chill out on a hill with them, do everything real people wish they had time to do with their friends.  Even the burgeoning romance with Slick (which they both seem to want, but are afraid of committing to for differing reasons) was not the be-all and end all of her. 

I saw a lot of myself in that.  I don't trust people enough to have a relationship with them until I know them, and that invariably means entering the much-dreaded 'FRIENDZONE' and running the risk of getting stuck there. I know politics, but not enough to effect real change, and I just want to spend my time chilling with friends.

Somewhere along the way though, Ishida changed, and the focus of the comic changed.  He spent several strips apologising for some of the stuff he'd done before, apologising for the racial stereotypes, the blatant sexuality.  (that one felt like a slap in the face to someone me, coming from someone who'd created a character who'd helped me out so much) Slowly, Slick and 'Nique were pushed to the sides, and the Sister hood, and their ongoing battles with The Patriarchy became forefront.  Characters were changed to fit this new worldview or left out.  Most obviously, 'Nique stopped hanging around Slick and started trying to make friends with Devilgirls, ashamed of her 'man-pleasing' past.  Lil 'E (minature Satan and possibly the most overtly evil person in the strip) had his memory wiped and became an adorable innocent, a blank slate to be taught.  

I do have issues with the Sisterhoods aims.  Xanthe seems to want men to be subservient to women, there's a small child in a helmet who wields the Monkey-Kings staff and wants to 'kill all men.'  There's another who shamed Slick for owning a sextoy(technically, it was a robot girlfriend),* which is surely more in line with their aims than having him go out and leer at women? There doesn't seem to be a moderate amongst them. 

The comic is now anti-pornography, and pretty much anti-BDSM, both of which I am very much pro, thankyouverymuch. The new direction seems almost... sex-negative?  Is sex-negative feminism a thing?  That I don't know, but...  I'm a liberal, and I'm insecure, and having a publicly sex-positive comic alter that particular message...  

The strip is still funny, and still well worth my time in the morning.  I just keep getting tired of anyone who says they prefer the old Sinfest and get shot down in flames for allegedy just wanting 'Nique to be a sex object again, patriarchy bastard!  I accept Sinfest is a different beast now, but I cannot help yearning for the older sex-positive version.  I'll leave you with a couple of examples of the old Sinfests heart, but I do encourage you to check it out for yourselves.

*One of the things that bothers the fuck right out of me with our society, why is it socially acceptable for women to own sex toys, but men who do are sad, pathetic losers?  Hell, Poundland of all places are selling vibrators right now. Lemme know when you see a Fleshlight in there, yeah?

Why Should You Care About Tom Daley?

So, I've taken a day to think this over.  Try and get a measured response to adequately explain my feelings.

Why should I care about Tom Daley?  I don't give a damn about most sports, diving even less so, so why should I care about the sexuality of this one young man?  And really, I don't.  He dives, he's pretty good at it.  That should be all we need to know.

Nevertheless, I applaud him.  I wish I didn't have to.  But the fact remains that being anything other than a hetrosexual "normal" person will still find you being ridiculed, beaten up, even killed in this country.  In 2013.

Things are even worse in other countries of course.  Russia, of course, where the next Olympics is going to held, where Mr. Daley will be testing himself to the highest level, is notoriously behind the times on LGBT rights.  I don't think that the attitudes displayed in Russia are any different to those displayed in most other countries, sadly, it's just that in Russia, they're state-sponsored.  Just ask Pussy Riot.

Oh, wait, you can't.  No-one can anymore.

Russia, America's Deep South, most of Africa...  all of these are not going to be accepting of Daley's announcement.  They'll see it as a sign of our sinfulness, a further example of the decline of Western values and morals.  And that is, with all due respect, bullshit.  From all I've seen, Tom Daley is a decent, dedicated young chap.  He's the sort of person we should be holding up as an example of how high we can reach.  Not how low we've fallen.

A lot of people in this country aren't accepting it, I've already this morning seen an awful lot of Tweets about his coming out.  "We don't want our country represented by a fag," seems to be the jist of it.  It's sad.  And that's what makes me aware of how far we, as a society, have fallen.  How far we have to go.

I don't understand this reaction.  I guess I'm lucky that way.  I don't get why people are so afraid to the point of violent hatred of things that they don't understand, that they can't accept.  I've been a victim to it, to people who saw me as different, and therefore somehow less than them.  Less than human?  Sometimes,  it's felt like it.

And I'm one of the lucky ones.  I'm white, I'm male. And still I've had to endure some of the worst of humanities traits.  I cannot even begin to imagine what might be going through the minds of those who hurt me when they saw this news.  I don't want to really.

I wonder what made Daley announce this?  He says he's been in this relationship for a year, near enough.  Did he feel like he was living with a dark secret?  Had he been 'found out'(urrgh)?  Was a newspaper ready to spill the beans for him?  In the public interest, of course.  I mean, look at him, doing his sport in his tiny Speedos, who knows how many innocent boys he could turn?

Maybe he just felt, that as a sportsman, as a celebrity, he owed his fans the truth.  Maybe he felt that it was his duty to come out and show that you could be bisexual (as I understand his statement) and a sportsman.  I certainly cannot think of many outwardly gay sportspeople, maybe only Claire Balding.  A little research has shown that there's a few more out there (If you'll pardon the expression), but nowhere near as many as statistics say there should be.  Maybe if his announcement helps people see that nothing has changed about him, then more in the LGBT/sports community will feel comfortable enough to accept/admit it.  And if enough do, then it won't be anything special anymore.  And if that should be the case, then maybe more people, ordinary people, will feel like this isn't some secret they have to hide, that this is how they are, and that's not a bad thing.  Maybe one day.

Maybe.

So, yes, I congratulate Tom on his announcement, and wish him all the best.  And I really cannot wait for the day when this isn't news at all.

<edit>Just to show my ignorance of all things sporting, I've just been informed that Russia is hosting the WINTER Olympics, and as such, diving is not going to be represented.  Regardless, the point about the attitudes in Russia to LGBT people still stands.

Boring New Music

Right now, I am bored.

Bored of guitar music.

I had a look at Kerrang! this morning, and realised that I knew none of the bands in the reviews section.  And, guess what?  I have no interest in getting to know any of them.

I'm bored of that whole shebang.  My mind is finding other avenues of music to explore that are doing interesting things.  It started with Gorillaz. Plastic Beach and The Fall are wonderful albums, expressive and emotive.  And they're big.  They paint pictures in my mind of huge scenes, big rolling empty spaces full of loneliness and homesickness and longing for a better time, whilst still celebrating the here and now.

Pop music, man.  It's... interesting.  I will not say good or bad, as I'm not sure myself, and some stuff that I've grown to like, I hated when I first heard it.

Mr. Robin Thicke's Blurred Lines, for example has a beat that gets under your skin and that's pretty much all there is to the song.  A beat and a bass line.  And yet, and yet....  it's a minimalist triumph, of sorts.  I suspect the fact that I hear it approximately once an hour can't hurt it's cause of course.  It's still just stupid pop song with a questionable lyrical message.  Nothing new there, but...

Daft Punk's Get Lucky is easier to explain.  It still uses instruments, theres a song you can actually sing...  but it's a disco/funk hybrid.  I'm not a fan of disco, and my knowledge of funk comes from Jamiroquai and One-Hit-Wonders Wild Cherry.  Actually, it is somewhat Jamiroquai-ish...  I've liked Daft Punk since  Around The World, so this is less of a stretch, but musically, it's a departure for them from the electronica they've done up to now.

Onwards to a Seattle rapper called Macklemore.  Thrift Store broke him in the UK, I guess, but the latest song Can't Hold Us is where he has really come to my attention.  I can see myself buying his albums, to be honest.  I've looked out a few of his and they're pretty good.  He's actually breaking out of the Hip-Hop mold, and rapping about more than how awesome he is and how much money he has.  Songs in support of gay rights, living life now, the loss of a friend to drug abuse, being an individual and not buying into capitalism...  The guy is doing good so far.  And the songs are good, use sensible and appropriate samples, he tends to look like he's having a blast.  Good guy.

Bruno Mars, Justin Timberlake...  classic pop music.  Nothing really new here, but done with such style and panache that you can't help but warm to it.  There's a plethora of bands out there making dance music that (while it remains to be seen whether or not they'll be flash in the pans or not) just sounds so good to my ears now.  Rudimental, Duke Dumont and even Naughty Boy (though the La la la la chorus grates a little). 

Indie bands that I'm hitting a little late like Gym Class Heroes, MGMT and Imagine Dragons, even.  All giving me new ways of hearing the world.  New ways of expression, be it straight up or somewhat abstract.  

So, guitar bands.  Time to up your game!  Come on, here we are now, entertain us...

A Philosophy on Art (I'll tell you how it haunts me)

Before I begin, I don't actually know where this is going, so bear with me.

For me, as an artist, there are few things in life more terrifying than a blank piece of paper.  This is a general term, a blank space of any kind will do.  Canvas, sketchbook, wall, monitor... this emptiness is terrifying.  And to have to commit to violating that space, to spoiling that pristeen space? It's a hurdle that I have to force myself to jump.

It is pregnant with possiblities, for good and bad.  The worst is the possiblity that this is it.  This is the point where my talents have run out, and I have exhausted the well of creativity that has sustained me down the years.  That I am dry. 


Or perhaps that I'll be found out.  That I'm a charlatan, that all I've ever done can be traced back to one source that I have drawn from, will just be accused copying, that nothing I've done is unique.  That because of that, that nothing I have ever done has any worth.

Maybe it'll just be rubbish.  Something that I know that I should be capable of better of.  But that's just as terrifying, in it's way.  Why has this proven to be poor, when I know I can do better? 

It can be hard to understand just why these things scare me like they do.  Okay, so you couldn't create anymore?  So?  Do something else, right?

No.

This is not just what I do.  It's who I am. At the risk of sounding pretentious beyond all reason, I can no more stop creating than I could breathing.  At the basic core of my soul therre is a drive to remove the blank spaces from the world.  If sometime that means that there is none left in me, that I am the blank empty space, then so be it.  That's the price I pay.  Because I have no choice but pay it.




Creativity is, for me at least, an act of love.  An act of submission.  There is something there, a primal need that doesn't explain too well.   All I can say is that it is more than a need, it's a basic way of the world.  This is one of the Rules That Govern All.  There is no possible way that the universe can be different.  And so, I submit to my desires, to the urges.  There is no feeling in the world like when the ideas, and the communicating of them flow freely.  It is a rare time that, and so one which must be grabbed and exploited whenever it occurs. When your hands itch because there isn't a pencil in them, when your hindbrain is screaming that you need to be putting this on canvas now.  These are the good times, and they don't happen too often.


Art is sustained by inspiration.  By the taking in of new sights, new sounds, new words, new thoughts.  If there is not a supply of things, then creativity will stop.  Creativity...  it is a strange and fragile thing.  It can be broken by so many things, chased away and stolen.


A big part of what drives my art, what inspires me, is my depression.  I make no secret of that.  But it steals the art as well.  It's an odd thing to have to work with, in that a lot of the time I just sit and ferment ideas, and hope that I'm in a place I can take advantage when the spring propels me canvas-ward.  Out of every 30 days, I can actually create (and by that I mean "create something worthwhile that has meaning, merit and value to me") on about 5 of them.  I can do stuff on the other days, sure, but it will invariably be of lesser quality.

---

All of which is counterbalanced by the joy, the relief of creation.  There are people out there who will never know this joy, whose minds are so closed to experience and new thoughts that the ability to create is lost to them.  I mourn these people.  Money and approval kill creativity, at least in my world.  Doing something purely for the money?  That is an evil.  Being rewarded for doing a job you love?  That is something we should all aspire to, I guess. Bringing real world concepts like 'money' into a writing of philosophical bent is tricky.  I fully and freely accept that we need money to live, to make the food happen and the heat and water happen.  Balancing that pure ideal of Art against the real world is a tightrope that must be walked, even though I do not like it.

There have been times when I have found myself on my knees before a canvas, breathless and sweaty, having given my all to the act of creation.  To be there, spent, empty, physically and emotionally, and to not know how you'll feel about what you have done in even a few moments. 

There is addiction here.  It's not something that a lot of people understand.  That there is a reason why I always have a bag with me, why I always carry sketchbook and pencils.  When I reach for the paper, I'm not being ignorant, you're not boring me.  I just have to do this. 

And, yes, I am saying that an addiction can be a good thing.  I couldn't live without this, it is who I am.

All of this.  All of these words, every single piece of art, every drawing or painting I have ever done...  has been driven by that urge, that need to violate the blank spaces.  To take the empty space and spread myself across it, to leave a vestige of myself.  To say " I was here, and now things are changed."  And to do that as hard as I damn well can.

FINAL FANTASY XIII-2 - A review.

Having actually finished FFXII-2 now, I will say that I think it's an improvement on it's predecessor.  Noel is a much more engaging character than Lightning, and his backstory is actually, y'know, interesting.   The way time travel and it's implications are played out between him and Caius is novel too.

Yuel (or at least, Noels Yuel) is well done, if somewhat stretching plausiblity in her setup.  She is actually a tragic character, I think.  Through most of the game she's a tad too passive to be interesting, though. 

The multiple paths and episodic way the story is told work in it's favour too, and the fact that if you can't progress you just jump in the timestream and go someplace else is a welcome addition, and makes things seem much more open.  The abilty to go back and do things you aren't supposed to which leads to 'paradox endings' is a nice touch too.

<spoilers will happen now>

But. Oh, and but.  Serah is...  ridiculously annoying.  She just becomes plucky heroine #4, and never really gains a personality.  She's horrendously dependant.  I'dve kicked Snow's arse to the kerb for the way he behaves! I'm right with Noel on that one.  And I may have missed it, but she didn't really show any future seeing ability right until the end of the game.  If she'd been doing that from the start, it would have added a hell of a lot more gravitas to how events played out, whereas here, it almost comes from nowhere. 

Cauis...  well from the design up, I did not like him.  And not in the way you're supposed to not like him.  he's got the same motivation as every FF villain since Ultimecia*, his design is... not good.  I must confess to be being slighty confused as to how travelling through time affect him, as he's supposed to be going through time linearly (i.e. the same way we do) until the end of time when he gets to Valhalla, but whenever you meet him he seems to know whats going on...  Yeah, I don't get it. 

 Noel only played up to the New Bodhum level.

Snow is still an arsehole.  Running off to find Lightning, all fine and noble.  Being gone for two years, and going into the future without nipping back to tell anyone what's going on, especially as he seems to be aware it's a one-way trip?  Even when doing so may help NORA trust Noel a bit better?  Nope, off he goes, nary a backwards glance.  What a dick.  And he's a L'Cie again?  When did that happen?  Why did he do that?  Is there a price he'll have to pay?  Don't know.  It's never mentioned again. 

There's a lot of things that happen in this game where the justification is 'God did it.'  Once, I can understand.  Every writer is allowed one dues ex machina.  It's the Rules.  But it's fucking everywhere in this game.  Saved from being L'Cie?  God.  Allowed to travel though time? God.  Granted immortality?  God.  Turned into a L'Cie again?  God.  Allowed to see the future? God.  Killed by these visions?  God (with a fucked up sense of humour).  It's ridiculous.

And the guys in NORA?  Left to build a world without any of the ex-L'Cie powerhouses to help them in a new and hostlie world.  No wonder the New Bodhum of the endtimes isn't any bigger than in the present.  They probably spent all their time fighting off extinction... 

There is a lot of things that I don't understand, but the betrayal of Alyssa is the biggest.  It, again, comes from nowhere, and never gets any sort of pay off or resolution.  Having done my wiki reasearch, it still makes no sense.  She's supposed to be a paradox, originally having died during the Purge.  Noel and Serah's actions in messing with time save her, and as a result, if you fix the timeline she stops existing.  Now this is hinted at, in the most oblique way possible, after you beat Atlas, but my main issue with that is...  you never go back in time.   You never go to the Purge and change anything.  And, you know, I wouldn't have minded doing that.  If you'd had the bright idea at the start of the game to go back and save some lives during the events of XIII...  But no.  Alyssa is not a  paradox you create.  She has no grounds for betraying you! But even so, you go off,  do stuff, and when you get back to that timeline, nothing is mentioned of it, or her. 

I touched on this just, but I'm going to bitch about it now.  Alyssa's motives and what Snow gets up to before you stumble on him in the future?  It's all explained in a Japanese only text story, only available in Japan.  Now, I don't know about you, but if I've paid £40 odd for a game, I'd like it all to be in there.  All the story, at least, which is why we're playing an RPG in the first place, right?  And don't even get me started on Micro-Transations and the utter pointlessness of the Arbiter Of Time's level without them.  Costumes, enemies, extra story chapters...  that you have to pay extra for?  I tell you what Square-Enix?  FUCK OFF.

AND WHY ARE SAZH AND DAHJ IN THE FUCKING FUTURE?

Oh yeah.  Micro-transaction...

I've gone on a bit longer than I intended.  Summing up: So, yeah, despite the gaping plot holes, the shameless attempts to grab more money off you, the occasionally dodgy character design, the retention of the battle system and leveling up...  it is, at it's heart, a better game.  Doesn't mean it's good, but it's better than what came immediatly before.  It makes me sad, because I don't see S-E making anything other than style over any real substance FF games anytime soon, but if they continue the trend of making the sequels slightly better than the preceding game, then 'Lightning Returns' might actually make it to being almost enjoyable.



Square have traditionally made three games per main console.  NES - FF, FFII, FFIII.  SNES - IV, V, VI, and so on.  I really wish that the PS3 actually had three different FF games, instead of this behemoth of shameless money grabbing and marketing.  Think of what the PS3 could've done with a a high fantasy setting, or steampunk?  But this is what Square gives you, people.  This is what you want.






*yes, I'm aware of XII's Venat and Vayne being somewhat more altruistic than that, but I'm inclined to view that game as being more Vagrant Story II than FFXII.  Regardless the, game is much smaller in scope than than every other FF, and the aims of the main antagonists are correspondingly smaller.

Context

Well, seeing as I seem to be at a bit of a blockage with my drawing, lets talk about something that I've been thinking about a fair bit recently.

Context.

Well, how the context in which you hear music for the first time affect how much you like it.

Despite my confessions, I'm pretty much primarily a rocker.  Not metalhead, not anymore. These days most 'Heavy Metal' leaves me cold, but I do still like my loud guitars and whatnot.  So 'Rocker' will do for now. 

With that in mind, it's astounding how much music I simply do not get until I have a context for it.  There's no space in my brain for music until I've found a way to latch onto stuff (which is where a pop hook comes in handy), which can take me a while.

For the longest time, I did not get bands like Slipknot and Rammstien.   Slipknot's popularity is still a bit of a mystery to me, I mean, yes they're good, but THAT good?  People think so, so I guess I'm not connecting with them the way a lot of other people do.  Same with Rammstien really, but I think I like them a bit more. So what does this have to do with context? 

I live on my own.  I spent most of my time alone in the dark, so without a big obvious hook or chorus to grab me, I stuggled to fit them in.  They both had the occasional song that did, but not enough to make me say I was a fan.  Then I found out that a couple of my friends were fans of Rammstein. I listened to it with them.  It began to find a space. The context that the music gained was that my friends like this band, and I have had fun with my friends whilst this band was on.  This band = fun.

And it doesn't just apply to the stuff that's normally in my comfort zone, either.  Way back when I was a university student I had some blistering good times that were soundtracked by 5ive, so now I harbour a bit of an unnatural fondness for them...

No such thing as a guilty pleasure in my world...

Equally, however, theres a lot of music out there that has a negative context, because of the negative situations I found myself in at the time.  Music that I feel that under different circumstances I should like, I just cannot.  Because I got hurt when I first heard them, because my contextualisation of them was with an unhappy event, even just unhappy thoughts, then I'm not going to like stuff.  So, yeah... Slayer for example.  I really don't think I'm ever going allow myself to 'get' Slayer.

And things that helped me with difficult times, I now find that I struggle to listen to at all, because they remind me of the darkness that I went through.  New Order, Depeche Mode...Even Nirvana and Joy Division to an extent.  Hell, even 'Closer' by Nine Inch Nails is a hard listen, especially in a club, because of the negative emotions I've attached to that situation. 

I'm actually finding it easier to think of and write about those songs that I like that people wouldn't expect of me.  Again, mostly pop music, really.  Because I allow myself to go out to clubs that play this goofy happy music, because I listen to people who can tell me why they think a song is good, because I'm not all that happy most of the time and so the stuff that does cheer me up sticks...  Because I want to remember being happy.

Right, I seem to be making less and less sense, so I'll leave off here. Besides, it's been a rough old week, and I need to get back to my Machine Head.

Peace, y'all.